Not Everyone Talks It Out: Processing Emotions Through Prayer

Transcript

Riding The Dip And The Climb

SPEAKER_01 0:03

A Soul Grows in Israel, a podcast where we ask the questions about ancient Jewish wisdom, modern life, and everything in between. So let's ask, let's have fun, and let's grow together.

Solitude, Conflict, And The Freeze

Do I Phone A Friend Or Not

Signals, Shabbat, And A Dusty Book

Starting Hitbodedut: Ten Minutes Outside

Prayer As Presence, Not Performance

Forgiveness, Ripples, And Daily Shema

Sources For Speaking The Heart

Hitbonenut And Naming Core Emotions

From Thoughts To Speech To Action

Settled Mind And Seeing Through Noise

Desert Silence And Healthy Expression

SPEAKER_00 0:24

Hello, my gorgeous listeners, and welcome to another episode of A Soul Grows in Israel. And last time we spoke one-on-one in a solo, I was describing a dip, like a pause in everything working and just feeling like everything was kind of dim. And what I learned from that experience. And thank God, right now we are in an incline. And when I say that, I'm like, oh, cross your fingers. But I know that nothing lasts. Like every great moment will slip through your fingers, almost like every hard moment will also not be here forever and slip through your fingers. And sometimes you are just back floating in the ocean. And sometimes you're like trudging through pea soup. And I guess it's all part of life. I was thinking about something that I saw recently. I know that we all process emotions and confrontations and issues differently. And I was thinking about the way I personally go through life. And when there is a conflict, where do I go? So I saw this article saying that introverts find comfort in solitude. And you might say, like, duh, obviously, introvert by definition is in solitude. But I was thinking about it a little bit. And I remember many times in my life when I was confronted or I was in the hot seat, I would sort of fight back in a different way. And maybe I wasn't fighting back. So I felt like I would go into cold shoulder mode, right? Like freeze you out. I'm not speaking to you. I'm gone. Maybe I'll never speak to you again. And if I have no choice, then at least I'm going to freeze you out for a couple of days. I felt like, oh my gosh, is this my modus apparenti for punishment? Am I also fighting like a shouter or someone who says really biting words? Am I just not using words? And by the way, we can all react in those other ways too. I'm sure there are many times when my words are hurtful. And many times when, well, I'm not really a yeller, but I can go low and scary. But for real, most of the time I am alone in it. And then I was thinking about the people I know in my life, specifically friends, and how when friends are going through something, a dilemma with their kids, spouse, in-laws, career, whatever, um, they'll call me or they'll call another friend and we'll go through it together. And I realized, why am I not sharing those things with my friends? Do I not trust them? No, I do. Do I not feel comfortable with them to show them that side of myself? Well, I don't know. But then I was thinking, but what if I am doing this all by myself and maybe that's okay, or maybe I'm getting it all wrong? I don't know. And I decided to do a deep dive and find out all the different ways that those of us who process things quietly or to ourselves or even in conflict, maybe I wouldn't call it shrinking back, but definitely freeze. What's the deal? Okay, so in my Insta stories, I saw this headline: why introverts find strength in silence? And I was like, strength? So this is not a weakness. Hold on, maybe I'm finding strength. Maybe I'm not even an introvert. I don't know. It sure feels like it, right? When you are processing these things alone. And I was also thinking, okay, so that hit, maybe it's not a weapon, maybe I'm not doing something wrong, which is a nice relief. But then I was wondering about all the people who do phone a friend. So for me, when things go a bit darker, I find myself going through all the things, thinking about it, trying to make sense of it. When I get out on the other side and the sun is shining brightly, then I'll phone a friend and be like, hey, this is what I just dealt with, or this is what I went through, or whatever. In other words, I'm expressing it after it makes sense to me, after I'm on the other side, after I find myself feeling rational. And then I would love to hear their feedback or at least for them to identify with me, or maybe it just bonds us. Like I don't want to miss out on the bonding experiences that hard times bring. But if I were to call them mid-storm, it would do nothing for me. I don't even want to pick up the phone. I don't want to see anybody. I want to get through this. And we again all have different ways of going through life. But does my way cut me off from like, I don't know, society? I also understand and I read the study that once you're over 40, like every time you want to cancel on a social engagement or a dinner, don't do it. Because those types of bonds become more and more important to you. I mean, neurologically also, but in general, as opposed to starting solitude. Because if you keep canceling your plans, that means you are relying on the predictable and aloneness. And you'll train your brain to find comfort in that. And I get it. I don't have to train my brain to find comfort in that, just to be clear. PJs alone always sounds really comfortable. But when you go out of that comfort zone, you are teaching your older self to keep doing that. And that's extremely healthy as you age. That's a whole side note. But just in general, I was thinking about the people who do phone a friend. And then I was thinking, what about if just saying things out loud, just hearing yourself speak to a friend? What if that makes sense out of things? Like, you know, if you're speaking to a therapist and they're just nodding or writing something down, maybe just hearing yourself speak, you can self-correct or hear how crazy that sounds or how valid that is, and just go through the feelings. And that in itself is a form of solution. Am I missing that by doing everything to myself? So I opened up the question, let it sit in my brain for a little bit. And here's what I find. I find that when I ask a question, just out there, slowly, at a time that I'm not sure of, but some answers will come to me. And the quote I heard once was I asked God a question and I didn't get an answer. But it turned out he didn't answer me just in the language of flowers, not in the language of words. And that might sound a little like, ooh, but to me, it sounds like the universe will speak to you in so many ways. And it might be a song you just had to listen to, or a podcast, or an article, or a rainbow. I don't know. But only you will sort of pick up on that signal if you're open to it and be like, okay, I was just talking about that, and this is okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So sure enough, on this past weekend on Shabbat, I pulled down an old dusty book, My Tried and True Love to call Jewish Meditations by Ravarya Kaplan. I love that book. It's like 30 pages, 60 pages. It's not very long, but it's been taking me about 12 or 13 years to get through because it's like two pages a month. It's that kind of book. It's like practical Jewish meditation. There are so many ideas there all the time, but specifically on this Shabbat, I think I had to hear the following. So he spoke about how Rabbi Nachman recommends an hour a day of talking to Hashem. And Ari Kaplan's very practical. He's like, hour, you know, but what about 20 minutes? Maybe it works as a sort of therapy. I was just thinking how, like, I how am I doing this all by myself in my brain, but it's my go-to. It's all good. So I decide, okay, I'm down. He recommends 20 minutes. I can do 20 minutes. And I decided to set a timer. By the way, I set it to 10 minutes. Like, you gotta start somewhere, you know? And this is from someone who does have a nice relationship with her siddur, but actually, you know, I hear people talking to Hashem and I talk to Hashem all the time. Maybe I did once, but I'm not sure I actually talk to God. I think I relate to Hashem. I think I sense it sometimes more than others. And I don't even know what that means. I might ask myself, wait, do I and second guess it? Okay, no more fuzziness. Like, let's do this. I go outside on my porch, one of my favorite places to be. And it is nighttime, and I'm on like a little couch, like a love seat, and I am facing an empty chair. And it's like, all right, hey, Hashem, here's the deal. And I'm not gonna say it wasn't awkward. Um, I don't know where to start. So I said, here's everything that's on my mind. And I ended up catching my mind wandering because I kept speaking, like jumping from topic to topic, the same way I would if I was processing feelings on my own. And this actually helped me stay in a lane. Right now I'm in a conversation with something um invisible but definitely present. What was also nice is no one's gonna judge me on my jumbled story or my crooked words or my ugly emotion because hello, it's the master of the universe. So it was kind of like I don't know where to start, or this feels weird, like just coming and being real. And I have to say, it got easier and easier as the nights went on. I'm only up to like three or four, and I'm not gonna be like super strict, like, oh, it wasn't 20 minutes and it was only seven, like whatever. But I'd like to have a meeting with Hashem. And maybe that's an interesting way to process things. Felt pretty cool. And then he also spoke about actual t fila. So on my very good days, I will love to both Davan and have like a short meditation. And he mentions how some people just like rush through their prayers so they can get to a place of mindfulness or meditation. And I'm like, oh yeah, sometimes I do that, definitely. And those are my better days. And he said, What if you could just treat the prayers as they're meant to be treated? So I'm like, okay, I'm listening. Oh, tell me, what do you mean? The Amida, the Shmonasra, which is now 19 Shas, right? But okay, the Shmonasra, the way it was originally intended, was for memorization. Nobody had it written down until much later. The first brach was written by actual prophets. I think it was the Kharia Malachi, I forget the third, and it was meant to be said by heart with eyes closed. And I've always been told that that first blessing of the Amida is the one you have the most kabbanah in. And sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. But he mentioned how the whole Shmonasray used to take the real mystics hours to get through. And he recommends just do the first bracha the way they did it. And I'm like, okay, how'd they do it? There was no shuckling. Okay. It was committed to memory. So if you're able to memorize at least that first bracha, and if not, then not. Come on, you know, but you'll get there. If you're able to memorize it, stand in one Shmon Estray spa with the feet together. And I've been taught that when your feet are together, it is a symbol of an angel of a malach, because the malachim, again, it's symbolic. They are not holchim, they're not goers. They have one job to do and one job to do only, and they're considered to be omdim, standing, almost like one leg. So we put our feet together and we're completely present, locked in. And with your eyes closed, he says, spend seven seconds on every word. Um, the baruch, you're bending your knees. Atta, you are half sort of like a flat back in yoga, like when you are bent and ashram, you come back up. But seven seconds between each thing. That doesn't mean you have to focus on any specific intentions, just be there. Um, it's not that long. And that also was such a cool experience. Like, I don't know what I'm doing. I have no expectations. Let me take practical advice and see what happens. And nothing crazy happened, except that I do feel closer to the divine. I really do. I really do. And what does that mean? Probably it means that I am more for giving of people around me. I do think that. I don't know how that connection really works, but it does. Um, the closer I am to I guess the source of all love and acceptance, maybe I get to stand in its shadow or experience one of those rays. And I do think it's the gift that keeps on giving and rippling forward. I do think that when I behave in a gracious way towards somebody, giving them my best self. Um, and it's not always realistic, but when I am doing that, I do feel like then they carry that forward. It's like this endless thing. And I really love that idea. And I love the idea also of things not being so esoteric and so difficult to understand. But here's some practical ideas. Pull up a chair, god your therapist, get into it. And that one bracha a day. Like I do like that. And can I add that at the end of the day, normally when I say Shema, um, again, I'm just a regular person. I'm saying Shema and I'm falling asleep, hopefully. Um, but now when I said Shema, I felt like, oh, we were in touch today, like a lot. We we we spoke already. I'm closing my day. Like it was just a much more intimate experience. And I don't know what I was thinking before. Where's it supposed to come from, except from actual communication? I just, I guess I just didn't know where to start, or I even thought I was there. And now I think that I'm there a bit more. And that's really nice. I'm just sharing it with you guys, not to be like, oh, hey, look at me. I'm sharing it because would you guys try it? So now, besides for Rabbi Nachman, I wanted some more sources, you know, like give me the sources. What is an introvert to do if like the friendships are there for the aftermath, but maybe not during the storm? And of course I thought of David Hamalach. And I know he says, I pour out my speech before him, I tell him to stress before him. And it's like eshbuch is the word that's used. And it literally means to spill or like to empty a container. And the heart here is viewed as something that fills with emotional pressure. And if it's not released, something gets distorted. That's for sure. Um, if you've listened before, you know that I really have been learning that feelings need to be felt. Why would you need to learn something so automatic? I don't know. Maybe I have to unlearn other things to make space for truth. And feelings need to be felt, and feelings are here to teach us something. And if not, I do think it becomes putrid. Like you can't, you can't, you can't tap it down. And if you do, you forget about yourself. You're leaving yourself behind. And I think that will lead to toxic behavior and physical illness, and we shouldn't know from any of that stuff. And David Malach is like the master of emotional health and ups and downs and keeping it real and authentic. Number one, I also think that if you or if I have not touched base with the divine in a minute, there's a spiritual dullness, and that feels so bleak and cloudy. And I don't know. I I like when things are in technicolor and they feel alive and vibrant. And again, it's not saying it always feels that way. And I can hold on to a good day, as we know. But while it's there, I really want to utilize it. And if I can, I'd like to bring them closer. And in Jewish thought, emotion really does become organized when it moves from thought to speech. It's like mahshava is it's in your head and sometimes it's unclear and it's vague and it's swirling around. And when you bring it down into speech, maybe it becomes more structured, defined. It's almost like water vapor turning into water, like it crystallizes a little bit, and then when it turns into snow, it's actually action, if I could use that example. So I would say the vapor, the fogginess, maybe that's sort of all the thoughts in your head. Maybe that liquid is speech. And the action, the physical world might be that physical snow. So when I was sitting in that chair, I would just state the situation. Like, here's the scenario and here's how I'm feeling. And I am not leaving out any descriptions. I'm coloring in every detail, but I'm also acknowledging the presence before me and asking for help or clarity. And all of a sudden, there's like, I don't know, this stability. Um, and I think that's what people have when they express things to one another. And I don't know what's better or what's worse. I just know naturally, if I'm a lone wolf when it comes to processing, and having Hashem there, all of a sudden I'm not alone anymore. And yet I didn't have to welcome anyone into the fold. It came naturally to me. Like basically do what comes naturally to you and maybe then up at a notch, like take it to 2.0. Now there's another concept, you know, I discussed Rabbi Nachman, which is hitbodutut, which actually means levad, badud, alone, which is obviously my jam. Not that I don't love being around people and family. I'm just saying, you know, in specific situations. Okay. Now hitboninut, and we've touched on this before, the root word here is bina. Hitboninut. Bina means to understand. It means to make a differentiation. It's like separating the facts from all the stuff you put on it, you know, like your ego versus the actual truth here. And they're both important, but you need to separate the two after you feel it, you know, like make some seder between like your immediate pain and like long-term, what does this mean to me? So hitbonoot might be like, I'm gonna get rid of external noise and maybe a bit of internal noise. So I'm gonna go someplace quiet and just get through it. What am I thinking? What am I feeling? Is it fear? Is it shame? Is it lack of control? And then I can reframe it. And once I sort of forgot that underlying voice or sentence or fear, I'm introducing Hashem into the fold. You know, there's a reason why when we do chuva, there's something called vijui, which is an actual admission using your words, almost listening to yourself speak. And I think that is a central concept in chuva, in Judaism. Like internal awareness alone is incomplete. Like the thoughts, if they remain internal, um, we don't know if how subjective they are, uh, we don't understand how clear they are, if they're exaggerated. And somehow when they're spoken, and in this case, especially before Hashem, the thoughts can slow down and you can actually examine it. It's now something you can look at versus something that's just holding on to you. And I've heard this, and I think this is really smart, that your inner thoughts are known by God. Obviously, Hashem knows everything. Why do you have to even say it? You know, but somehow when you speak your thoughts and it becomes words, it's known by you and things are a bit clearer. Um, your relationship with Hashem is still existent. Hashem is always with you every moment, whether you work on that relationship or not. But the difference is, is it a passive relationship or an active one? And in an active one, I actually feel it, you know? In an active one, I'm a participant too. And in an active one, there's, I mean, I think it takes two. So I really like the idea of speaking it out. And the inner isolation goes away because there is a connectedness, even though I'm alone, because I'm not alone. So in Chobat Halavavod, it seems that Rabbenio Bahia is preaching to the choir here because he talks about how if you're always around people, then you have like an identity distortion, like you start to perform, maybe more than examining. That makes me feel so messy. I know that feeling. I've been there, and I just need a little bit of a break from that. And he says that once you're alone and obviously at the right time, at the right amount, each person has their own sort of metrics for how that works. But all of a sudden, your like beliefs become visible. It's not withdrawal from the world. I think that it's maintaining your inner world. And you need to maintain both. And some of us need to work much harder on maintaining our social world. And others have to work much harder in maintaining their inner. Like, I think it's important to know which one you are, even if you're a little bit of both. And then you know, like, not necessarily what to fix, because you guys are good, but again, what to enhance, what to focus more on. There's a word actually in Khasitu called Hirhure Haliv, which means the drifting heart thoughts. Uh, it's like unfiltered thoughts, unexamined thoughts. They're unnoticed. And because of that, you'll always look for distractions or daydreaming because you're not even sure of who you are, what you're trying to say, where your minds are actually going. And we want to move to a place, I think, of observed thoughts, you know, where there's some sort of awareness and self-knowledge. And usually, whether we like what we see or know, you're showing yourself a lot of compassion. It's like, okay, you thinker of thoughts, whether they're accurate or crazy, they're valid. Same with feelings, even more so with feelings, completely valid. Again, it's the action you have to be careful about. And the second you become an observer of thoughts versus someone who is captured by them, there's so much more uh freedom of choice as to which thoughts you subscribe to, which thoughts get repeated. You know, it's like a that's like real control. And I'm not saying to control everything, it becomes like really OCD, like you're gonna have bizarre thoughts, obviously. But to see, oh, that wasn't me. That was, you know, a glitch in the system. Or what is this here to tell me? I think there's a lot of power in that separation between self and thoughts because the mind will always produce material. And I think a voda begins when a person chooses, like, what do I believe? Is that a thought I want to subscribe to? Speech is a bridge between this inner and outer world. If my inner world are thoughts that I'm not even aware of and some thoughts that I am, and the outer world is maybe hearing something that's out there and I'm speaking out loud, there's this bridge that I'm creating. I heard a great interpretation on the Pasuk and Tehilin that says, Leiv Nishbar Vinitke, Hashem Lotize, which means a broken and humble heart. Hashem doesn't despise. And broken heart wasn't defined as someone who's sad or hurt or angry. It actually meant that their ego defenses dropped and they could see themselves more accurately. Like broken almost like break down the walls, let me see what's inside. And all of a sudden, the real emotions can surface. And I think then actual prayer or conversations with divine are just real and direct versus like a formal thing that you do every day. Have you ever heard the term yishiv hadat? I love it. Yishuv had like yeshuv, like a settlement or a neighborhood. Yeshuvadat means a settled mind. And I think without a settled mind, we are just internally jumbled up. And the idea of taking feelings and fears and memories and desires and seeing them for what they are, it's just so much easier to go through life with just better glasses. You know, and I think that's what it is. I can see myself clearly, all the parts of me. And then when I look outwards, I see the world way more clearly. Just today, um, I had a conversation with somebody and she mentioned how when she felt like she was in a better place, like a much better place with her spouse, and she came home and all of a sudden, every commercial that was trying to sell her something really like it offended her. She's like, Oh my God, you're trying to perfect me. Um I'm good. Not that she had any issue with the product or whatever. Just the idea was sheker or falseness was so much clearer to her because she already got to a place internally where she embraced herself fully. Like she understood her truth is goodness. And therefore, because she processed that about herself, the world was much clearer. It was less murky, less gray. And I like to live in the gray. I don't think many things are black and white, but sometimes it's so nice to be like, oh, this person has a problem with me. That's their problem, not mine. Like there's so much ownership in that. It's really interesting though, because a thought that's unspoken is much more persuasive. It has so much more power over you. It's not examined. It just is. You're not even sure that you thought it. It's just there and you accept it as truth without that freedom to choose. And I think an analyzed thought, and definitely a spoken thought is something that can be examined. And once you examine something, you can choose. And the power to choose, babes, that's a big deal. And maybe it's altvila. I know that like there's a medrish that says that Hashem would say, I wish they prayed all day. And all the commentators explain this doesn't mean like formal prayer, but an ongoing sort of dialogue, internally or not, turning life into this continuous conversation. And I love that idea. It's like not only am I processing thoughts, but it's a part of tvila. It's not separate from it, after all. And then I got to thinking about where we are in the parti. And I do think that has a direct influence on our lives. You know, nothing is by mistake, especially when it comes to dates and when the Torah falls out and all that. And right now we're still in that desert. And I keep thinking like 40 years in that desert was such important prep time. And if you think about a desert, it's silent. And it wasn't like they were in the Garden of Eden, and that's what prepared them to enter Israel or to get the Torah. No, they didn't do it in the garden with flowers. They did it in this barren desert, and they were a always in need of maybe water or fear of crisis, of starvation, because the elements, it wasn't a natural place for life. They had to depend on miracles, which is a whole other conversation of why that was necessary. But to be in the desert is a place of contemplation. It's a lifeless place. And maybe that's literally an extreme sort of version of what we're doing here. There is no distraction. And you know, there are so many ways to go about this in an unhealthy way. Like if you ignore your thoughts, by the way, they do get stronger. Right. So you can't ignore them. Like, oh, I don't like feeling this. I don't want to think that. Doesn't work that way. And of course, if you endlessly analyze things, then you become really self-centered. And you're literally the main character, which is great sometimes, but you can't go through life only thinking about yourself. But when you speak it out loud, I do think that it becomes integrated, like it is out of you. So it's almost like a purge of all the toxicity that you don't necessarily need, but needs to leave the body without hurting anyone. And also, again, if it's to a friend, if it's to Hashem, if it's just out loud, they're gone. And now they're outside of you. And maybe now you could stare at them. You can hear it and be like, huh. Well, actually. And it gives you so much perspective. Thoughts are like raw material and speech organizes them. And for me, addressing Hashem gives it direction. And that's kind of, you know, the journey I'm on right now. And then the next question is are you an introvert? Are you an extrovert? Are you an ambivert? And there are some classic questions, obviously, like being around people. Um, does it energize you? Does it exhaust you? Are you working a room? Are you sitting by yourself? Can you do both? Like these are very telling um observations, and it helps you to understand yourself and definitely to accept yourself. Like that's a big deal. And I was wondering, okay, like how does that work in our sources? Like, what's the story? So the the classic obviously is Yaakov is Ishtam. Like Yaakov is obviously someone who has a rich inner life and is in solitude, and he's oriented to that, to study, to thinking, to learning. And Aesav was Ish Sadeh. It's so clear, like a man of the field of action and external engagements. And the they're both valid, you know. Aesav obviously chose to go somewhere else. But even if he was this Ish Sadeh, he had tremendous potential and he could have taken it to a place to use that force, obviously, for good and leadership. Avramavino was a people person, right? I think Yitzhak was one of solitude. It's very interesting. These are just the nafish you're given, these are just like soul type qualities. And it's so important to really tuck yourself into what you are, to really sort of enjoy it. I mean, Moshe himself says, like, he's not a man of words. And the commentators explained that his power was in depth and internal vision. Like that was inner processing. Interestingly enough, whether, you know, they were introverts or extroverts, whenever anyone did have to engage with Hashem, there would be a place where there was isolation. They were away from crowds. And maybe that is a prerequisite, you know, Moshe has the burning bush, Ychesla goes to a river, um, Yitzlak was in the fields. And of course, Purky says, All my days I grew up among sages and found nothing better for the body than silence. I think this actually is referring to um how you answer people back. And it wasn't like you never answer back, but I think it's about like considered speech and thoughtful responses. And if I'm only reactive and I didn't do that inner processing, like my reaction will always be um, especially when confronted, it'll be defensive. I'm trying to protect myself. But I think the more experience I have on this earth and the more I get to know myself and understand my reactions, I hope that they become a bit more measured. Or again, or I just go quiet until I'm ready to react differently. I hope. None of us are saints or angels, but you know, that's at least we have a goal. Obviously, someone who's more extroverted will feel much more comfortable having, like, you know, community involvement or public leadership or doing lots of chesed, like this open tent of hospitality and engagement. Again, we can dabble in things, but what comes naturally to us, that's not something to be ignored. You know, like do more of it. It's easy, it's fun, do more of that. Of course, anything taken to the extreme is not where we want to go. And chassidud, it's described as ratso and shov. So the first one is like this inward movement, an ascent, contemplation, alone time, and shov means to return outwards, like action in the world. Okay, what are you gonna do? Right. So the introverted tendency aligns with the first part, and the extroverted one aligns with the shov. Like make it concrete, perform, do something out there. And I think we as humans go back and forth all the time without even realizing it. Like you had a creative thought, and now I'm gonna put it into action and draw something or cook something, create whatever. Um, and it all starts with the thought, obviously. But if you don't have balance, right? And you're too inward, that's the isolation I sometimes get scared of. Um, and if you're too outward, obviously, you have that loss of self-awareness, like we described before. And obviously, this is not an accident, it's the starting point of your service. Like some souls serve Hashem through inner processing and others through presence in the world. And I think they both need each other. People need each other, the different kinds of people, but also as one human being, with the whole world being inside of yourself and you're a whole set of contradictions. We need to dip and come back and rot and show and experiment with both of these energies. It's like your personality is really just the starting point, you know, like an inward person has to act and an outward person has to reflect, right? So I want to sum it all up because there's a lot of ideas out there. So today I wanted to talk about the private inner world and the thoughts that never make it into conversations, for me at least. And that inner space, like, does it feel lonely? Am I missing out? Or is it actually some of the most important work for me? And those again were the questions I set out to ask. And so many people process by talking and they meet for coffee and they say everything out loud and they figure out what they are thinking, and that works because it untangles things. And what about the moments when the feelings are either too personal or it's not my nature and I'm too confused, and I don't process best in conversations? Like if I need quiet first, what happens now? And everyone has thoughts and everyone has emotional reactions, and we all have mental noise, but not everyone has the same outlet. And some people release pressure socially and others carry it internally. But what if I also want to have a release? It's heavy and the thoughts pile up and those feelings get blurred, and everything can start to feel bigger than it is. And I really do want to put words to it, and I think that speech really does slow things down and give shape to those types of emotions, and it separates a lot of the fears from reality. And there's a kind of quiet strength in saying what you're feeling and getting it out there, and not trying to talk to anyone, not to sound right or spiritual or cool, just like completely honest. So for me, my inner world was just expressed to a seemingly empty chair, but really I wanted to make place for Hashem there, and I'm still speaking and expressing and hopefully releasing a lot of the pressure. And at the same time, I still had space. And to be honest, there was a kind of relief that came when I stopped trying to solve everything alone or in silence. Because I don't think any of us are meant to carry the full weight of all the stuff. And these are not just like big crisis moments, even small confusions, check-ins, but just in general, having some sort of control of your inner world. And even if nothing outside shifts and something settles on the inside, I think that's everything. You know, you're not spiraling, but you're on stable ground. And even if life doesn't get quieter, at least the fight inside is no longer there. Because all of these things matter. You know, there are so many feelings that also if I sort of express them to a friend, I feel like someone will try to make me feel better. Like I am so nervous because, you know, my son X, Y, and Z. And either someone will say, No, no, no, they're gonna be fine, or yeah, I that sounds really hard. But, you know, just trying to sort of make me step out of that fear by making me feel better. When in reality, we know that sometimes you don't want any answer. This is just what's going on. And when you speak into this like wholeness, into whatever it means to you to address the divine, it's like it just sort of validates those fears. Like, I'm afraid of this. I am flesh and blood. I believe that everything can be good and will be good, but I'm still I'm human and humans fear things, humans feel out of control. And it's not that I should be on a different level, you know? It's like this is what I'm feeling, Hash and this is the way you created us to feel things. And yeah, I aspire to a place where um we're always feeling peaceful. I just don't know how realistic that is. So whether you're naturally quiet or naturally expressive, there's a place for you to let the thoughts move and be spoken and be heard by either someone else or just yourself and Hashem, obviously. So I hope we all find steadiness and clarity and the quiet strength that comes from really analyzing the mind and understanding yourself much better. And that's how we're fully alive, you know? The most honest form of connection is with yourself and with the divine. So I hope you learned something. I'm still learning, literally on the job, and I hope I get to continue this experiment really and seeing how the relationship develops with myself, with Hashem, and then of course with the world outside. So thank you for keeping an open mind and listening. Bye, you guys. Hi again. 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